


tell the world that we finally got it all right

by Megakatze (LaufeiaEvans)



Category: Dalton Academy Series
Genre: Dalton Big Bang 2020, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I cried writing this, M/M, Many Many Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:54:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25277278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaufeiaEvans/pseuds/Megakatze
Summary: Dalton Big Bang Day 45: JoganIt took almost losing Julian for Logan to realize how much he meant to him. He won't make that mistake again.
Relationships: Julian Larson-Armstrong/John Logan Wright III
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	tell the world that we finally got it all right

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to be a 5+1 but even writing as much as I did was a slog, so this is what I've got. Giving me an open-ended Jogan prompt was a mistake. I can't possibly condense every thought I've ever had about these two beautiful idiots into a single fic, but my god, did I try.
> 
> Shoutout to Dani and Joey for suggesting songs.

Julian doesn’t make it to prom.

It’s not surprising, really. Dolce had been adamant that he return to California for his recovery, had considered pulling him out of school entirely and having him graduate by correspondence. Luckily, Logan and Derek managed to convince her to let him return to Dalton, but his return date was still set for September, after he’d finished all of his physical therapy and had a summer to recover. Logan had been upset, but after talking it through with Derek (sometimes at an uncomfortably high volume), he’d eventually agreed it was the best thing for him.

However, they’ve also agreed that it isn’t fair for Julian to have to miss his junior prom.

They aren’t able to get a flight out that weekend. There are too many things to deal with, between finals and their extracurriculars and the actual prom itself. They do manage to send Julian a few pictures from the dance, of Logan and Derek as each other’s dates amid the crowd of couples dancing. Julian manages to send a _lol you make a cute couple_ text in reply, which has Logan smiling at his phone like a fool in the middle of the dance floor.

But the weekend after, when both of their schedules have calmed down a little, they hop on a plane to LA in their suits and ties with a set of three matching corsages.

Dolce is expecting them. They figured it wouldn’t be a good idea to arrive unannounced, just in case she was less enthusiastic about their idea than they were. But when they arrive to the Larson home, they’re greeted with a fond smile and a knowing look, and Dolce makes herself scarce immediately after calling for Julian.

The other boy enters the main foyer with a look of confusion, which fades into disbelief the moment he sees them on the doorstep. Logan grins, holding out the box containing their corsages, and Julian laughs breathlessly.

“You guys—“ he starts, but he’s cut off by Derek crossing the threshold and enveloping him in a hug.

Logan chuckles, meeting Julian’s eyes over Derek’s shoulder. “We didn’t want you to miss out,” he says with a shrug.

“At least let me get changed first,” Julian mumbles. When Derek steps back, Logan sees the stained T-shirt and loose sweatpants he’s wearing, his feet bare on the tile. He immediately shoves his hands in his pockets, looking sheepishly up at Logan with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Go find a suit,” Logan says, nodding to the doorway. “We’ll wait here.”

He and Derek make their way to the living room while Julian disappears to freshen up. When he comes back, he’s at least moderately presentable, with a dark blue blazer over his Armani jeans. His hair is combed, though not styled as much as usual, and he looks like he’s woken up a bit since they arrived.

Logan sets up his laptop - the one Julian had gifted him what felt like eons ago - and starts a playlist of music they've curated for the evening. Julian laughs every time Derek tries to pull him into a dance, loosening up bit by bit as the night wears on. He still can't stand for very long, but he happily watches from the couch as Logan and Derek make fools of themselves, bopping along to the music in the middle of the Larsons’ living room.

About an hour in, the Top 40 song they're dancing to fades out, replaced with a much more low-key melody. Derek flashes Logan a knowing look and mutters something about getting some snacks, leaving the two of them alone together for the first time in months.

Logan takes a deep breath and tries to ignore the way his heart is pounding in his chest. With a gentle smile, he holds out his hand and softly asks, "May I have this dance?"

Hesitating only a moment, Julian laughs nervously and takes his hand. Logan beams. He helps Julian get to his feet, pulling him in and resting his free hand on his waist. Julian holds himself upright with his arms around Logan's shoulders, and with Logan in the lead, they begin to move in a slow circle around the space they've cleared in the living room.

The lyrics start, and Julian glances uncomfortably down at his feet.

_When I look into your eyes  
It's like watching the night skies  
Or a beautiful sunrise  
There's so much they hold_

"You're a better dancer than Derek," Logan remarks, and Julian laughs breathlessly.

"You sure about that?" he mumbles.

Logan smiles. "Positive," he says, even as Julian's legs wobble underneath him.

They sway in silence for a moment, letting the music guide them. Logan adjusts his hold on Julian's hand and laces their fingers together. He hears Julian sigh gently under his breath.

"I wish I could've been there," he says quietly, and Logan gives his hand a gentle squeeze.

"Me too," he whispers.

_Well, I won't give up on us  
Even if the skies get rough  
I'm giving you all my love  
I'm still looking up_

Logan's throat feels tight. Without thinking, he pulls Julian in closer, hand resting on his lower back. Julian tenses at first, but he relaxes after a moment, tucking his face into Logan's shoulder.

_And when you're needing your space  
To do some navigating  
I'll be here patiently waiting  
To see what you find_

"Julian—“ Logan whispers, but the other boy cuts him off.

"Don't."

Logan nods. He doesn't expect Julian to be ready just yet. So he holds him closer, hoping he understands that whenever he is, Logan will be there.

_Cause even the stars, they burn  
And some even fall to the earth  
We got a lot to learn  
God knows we're worth it_

They stay like that for the rest of the song, Julian leaning onto Logan for support. Logan lets go of his hand and wraps both arms around him, holding him so tight he can feel his heart beating in his chest. He closes his eyes, suddenly overcome by the feeling of having Julian here, in his arms, and knowing he's safe.

Softly, just loud enough for Julian to hear, Logan sings along to the last verse.

_I won't give up on us  
Even if the skies get rough  
I'm giving you all my love  
I'm still looking up_

As the music fades, Logan draws back reluctantly, his hands dropping to Julian's hips. Julian flashes him a tight smile. He expects him to make a joke, to try to play it off like he always does, but this time he just stands there, gazing up at Logan with tired eyes. Logan’s hand twitches involuntarily as he fights back the urge to reach out and brush Julian’s rumpled hair back from his face, to caress his cheek and press his lips to his forehead, pulling him tight into his chest.

But Derek chooses that moment to reenter the room, accompanied as promised by a decent haul of snack food from the pantry. Julian's arms fall from Logan's shoulders. Swaying a little on his feet, he stumbles back to the couch on his own, tucking his legs underneath him. His face has returned to his usual smug grin, but Logan doesn't miss the way his cheeks tinge pink when their eyes meet.

They stick around for a few more hours, eventually getting tired of dancing and winding up on the couch in a pile. Julian’s head is in Derek’s lap, his legs curled up against Logan’s thigh, and things almost feel normal again. They talk and talk about everything Julian’s missed, careful to stick to the lighthearted things, until Julian stops responding and they both realize that he’s fallen asleep.

Derek shrugs off his jacket and announces he’s staying where he is for the night, but Logan gets to his feet, instead collapsing into an armchair across the room. He curls up uncomfortably with his legs draped over the arm. Derek gives him a questioning look, but he doesn’t say anything, just murmurs a “Goodnight” before lying back against the couch cushions and closing his eyes.

Logan takes one last look at Julian’s sleeping face, smiling softly to himself before settling in for the night.

—

Returning to New York for the summer is hard. While they're no longer sleeping in the same bed every night, Logan and Derek still depend on each other for quite a bit of their recovery. Being there for Logan helps Derek to feel useful, and having Derek there to listen has been instrumental in helping Logan to work through all the things he’s been feeling since Julian left. Aside from that, Logan's pretty sure he would have starved to death weeks ago without Derek bringing him food and reminding him to eat, and Derek certainly needs more than a bit of help remembering to go to sleep sometimes.

Still, being out of school does help. Logan's father mostly keeps his distance, aside from a few times he shows uncharacteristically genuine concern for Logan's wellbeing. It's more than a little unsettling, frankly, and Logan much prefers to be left alone. Without classwork to focus on, he has more time to devote to music, spending many long days in his room with a piano and an ever-growing pile of crumpled-up paper.

During the school year, he and Julian had plenty to talk about when they found the time for a rare Skype call in between physical therapy sessions. Logan had regaled Julian with tales of everything he was missing, from the whispers of antics in Windsor to the latest developments in Derek's budding friendship with Casey. But now, after spending most of his week at home, Logan finds himself at a loss for what to say next.

"I can let you go," Julian says, seeming to notice the way Logan is fidgeting on the other side of the call.

"No, no," Logan says quickly. "I'm...I want to see you. I want to know how you're doing."

Julian looks away. "I don't have any updates," he mumbles. "Still working on stuff."

"You running again?"

He looks back sadly. "Jogging, I guess." He shrugs. "I made it a half mile yesterday."

"Hey, that's good!" Logan smiles, and Julian tries to return it, but it doesn't reach his eyes.

"I've run 5Ks before, Logan," he mumbles.

Logan's smile fades, his heart heavy in his chest, and he suddenly wishes he were actually there with Julian instead of attempting to comfort him through his computer's shitty webcam. He can't think of anything he can say to make this better. He knows Julian can recover, that he'll be back to himself in no time. He knows how far he's come in the last few months. But Julian knows all that too. It doesn't make right now suck any less.

"I'm sorry," he says instead, because it's better than nothing.

Julian doesn't answer, so Logan decides to try a different approach.

"I don't really have any updates either," he tries. "I've mostly been in my room. I'm working on a new song."

That seems to get Julian's attention. "Yeah?"

Logan smiles. "It's pretty rough. I was gonna work on it more this afternoon." He pauses a moment before adding, "If you want, we could stay on the call while I do?”

Julian looks confused. "You want my help?"

"No, not really. I just..." He sighs. "If you aren't busy, you could just listen. Have the camera on in the background, like you're hanging out in my room. Like usual."

He bites his lip, a little worried when Julian still looks uncertain. But then he's nodding, a smile just barely visible as he says, "Okay."

Logan grins. "Okay," he echoes.

He sets up his laptop on his desk, a little ways back from the piano but still in full view. Julian places his on his nightstand, angled sideways to face him. He reclines against the pillows and reaches for a book as Logan's fingers settle over the keys, his hesitant experimentation forming background music for Julian's reading.

They sit like that for nearly an hour, to the point where Logan almost forgets Julian is watching him. He loses himself in the music, scattered chords forming into melodies even as he pauses to scribble down notes. Without realizing he's doing it, he starts to sing along, the words coming to him unprompted as he plays.

_Couldn't put it into words  
Couldn't make you see  
The depth of what I'm feeling  
I wish you were here to feel it with me_

When he pauses to erase something on his sheet music, Julian's voice interrupts the silence.

“You write that?”

Logan’s hand stills. “Just something I’m working on,” he says without turning around. Julian pauses.

“It’s good,” he says quietly, and Logan sneaks a glance over his shoulder.

Julian’s still lying down, head propped up on a stack of pillows with his book in his lap. But he’s watching Logan now, his expression unreadable.

“It’s not really done,” Logan feels the need to add. He looks away quickly, turning back to the piano. “I’m still…working through some things.”

Julian hums softly. When Logan looks back at the laptop, he’s returned to his book.

They keep the call going for a little while longer. Logan makes some more progress on the song, but eventually, frustration overtakes him and he decides to call it a day. When he turns back to his laptop, though, he finds Julian with his face turned toward the camera, eyes closed and book abandoned in his lap.

Logan smiles in spite of himself. He knows Julian has been sleeping a lot lately, even more so than usual. But rather than passing out after physical therapy or collapsing at the end of a long day, this time he looks peaceful, his chest rising and falling gently as he rests. His lips are slightly parted, and Logan’s a little embarrassed when he catches himself staring.

It’s still early, and Logan isn’t quite ready for bed yet. But he doesn’t want to end the call either. He doesn’t want Julian to wake up to him having left.

Setting down his pencil and sheet music, he rises from the piano bench, moving his laptop back to the foot of the bed. He grabs his own book off of his nightstand and climbs under the blanket. Glancing back to the image of Julian on his screen, he feels a pang in his chest that he can’t quite identify. He finds himself once again wishing he could be there with Julian, that he was asleep on Logan’s chest right now instead of alone in his bed with the comforter half falling off of him. But he also knows Julian needs time to heal, so if the best he can do to make that happen is being there from a distance, that will have to be enough.

In a separate window from their video call, he cues up a playlist of gentle music to play in the background as he settles in to read.

—

The nightmares get better, but they don’t go away. Every so often Logan still wakes up in a cold sweat, shaking and panting heavily and occasionally screaming out for Julian. Tonight is one of those nights.

Once he calms down enough to remember where he is, he glances over at his alarm clock. 3:08 am. He sighs heavily, flopping back down onto the damp sheets. He should probably wash them, or at least take a shower, but his hands are still shaking, and his body feels so drained he doesn’t think he could get up if he needed to.

The dreams are usually the same, with some slight variations, though after days without any this one had been particularly jarring. He’d woken up after an extremely vivid image of holding Julian’s limp form in his arms, knowing in his heart that he hadn’t survived the fall, and for a few terrifying moments after waking he’d been convinced that it was a real memory. By now, he’s come to his senses, remembering that he’d talked to Julian over the phone less than a week ago, but that doesn’t stop his heart from pounding or his stomach feeling like it’s tied in knots.

Normally, on a night this bad, he would call Derek. As much as he hates to disturb his friend’s sleep, Derek had insisted that if he was ever not okay, he wanted to know immediately. But he happens to know that Derek is currently in Switzerland, with very limited cell reception and even less access to Internet. So instead, he grabs his phone off the nightstand and shoots off a text to Julian.

_3:09 AM: You awake?_

To his surprise, he receives a reply almost immediately.

_3:09 AM: yeah_  
_3:09 AM: can’t sleep_

He smiles wryly. At least they’re both on the same page.

_3:10 AM: Me neither. Can I call you? It’s fine if not, I’d just like to see you._

He holds his breath when Julian takes a moment to reply.

_3:11 AM: sure_  
_3:11 AM: gimme a sec_

Logan waits, assuming Julian will initiate the call when he’s ready. A few moments pass before his screen lights up with an incoming FaceTime request. He smiles at the photo of Julian that appears, of him in purple sunglasses throwing up a peace sign and sticking his tongue out at the camera. A second later, it’s replaced by Julian’s tired face in the dark, his hair a mess and his eyes rimmed red.

“Hi,” he says, his voice rough.

“Hey,” Logan says softly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t.” Julian sniffs, and Logan realizes that his eyes are red because he’s been crying. He frowns. Julian’s never let Logan see him like this, even on video call. But it seems like he’s too tired to care.

“Nightmare?” Logan says knowingly, and Julian gives a barely perceptible nod. Logan copies the motion. “Me too.”

It’s quiet for a moment, and Logan takes a few deep breaths while watching Julian bite his lower lip. He doesn’t expect him to talk. It’s enough just to see him, to know for sure that he’s okay.

“I wish it would stop,” Julian says suddenly, and Logan blinks.

“The nightmares?”

Julian nods. “Every time I close my eyes.” He cuts himself off, his face pinching like he’s in pain. “I can nap, sometimes. But never at night.”

Logan’s heart sinks. He wishes he could do more to help, but he’d had the same problem, at first. And clearly, it still hasn’t completely resolved.

“I slept in Derek’s bed,” he says, and Julian’s brow furrows. “Every night, for a while. It was the only way I could get back to sleep.”

He nods slowly. “That…makes sense,” he says, looking off into the distance.

“I didn’t want to be alone,” he continues. “I don’t think Derek did either. He has them too, you know. Nightmares.” Logan looks down at his lap, fidgeting with the corner of his blanket.

Julian’s voice is pained when he answers, “Don’t tell me that.”

Logan frowns. “Why not?”

“I don’t—“ Julian’s voice breaks. He takes a deep breath, composing himself. “You two shouldn’t have to suffer.”

“Neither should you,” Logan points out. He can’t stand the thought of Julian going through all this alone, crying himself to sleep every night with no one there to remind him that it’s going to be okay. But Julian just shakes his head.

“You were never supposed to get caught up in this.”

“But I did,” Logan argues. “Derek did too. Because we’re your friends, and we care about you, and—” His voice cracks, and he stops, swallowing hard. He can’t start crying now. One of them needs to keep it together. “We need you,” he says finally. “ _I_ need you. And I…I think you need us, too. You’re just too proud to admit it.”

Julian doesn’t answer.

“Look, I’m not trying to fight,” Logan says with a sigh. He’s too exhausted to really argue, but more to the point, he doesn’t want to push Julian away. Him choosing to show _any_ weakness at all is already a huge step, if Logan’s therapist is to be believed. “I just want you to know you’re not alone. I don’t…you shouldn’t have to be alone.”

Julian blinks, biting his lip. “I know,” he whispers.

Logan’s chest feels tight. He wants more than anything to have Julian here with him, to hold him close and remind him that it’s all going to be okay. Even if he doesn’t quite believe it himself.

“I know it’s not the same,” he says softly. “But if you want, we can keep the video on. That way I’m here if you wake up tonight.”

He doesn’t say it, but he’s also really hoping Julian will be there if _he_ wakes up again.

Julian looks perplexed, but he nods. “I—yeah. I’d like that.”

The ghost of a smile crosses his face. Logan returns it, rolling onto his side and propping his phone on the nightstand. Julian does the same. His cheek presses into the pillow as he curls up on his side, and he looks so much more vulnerable than Logan has ever seen him. That feeling in his chest is back again, and he tries his best to ignore it.

Just as they’re settling in, Julian speaks abruptly. “Can you—“ he starts, and cuts himself off immediately.

When he doesn’t continue, Logan prods, “Can I what?”

“It’s stupid,” Julian mumbles, but Logan shakes his head.

“No, what is it?”

He purses his lips. “Do you think…you could sing something?”

Logan gapes.

“Never mind, you don’t have to,” Julian says quickly.

“No, wait,” Logan interrupts. He clears his throat. “I…it won’t sound very good.”

Julian gives a tired laugh. “I don’t care,” he says softly. He doesn’t look at Logan when he mumbles, “I just want to hear your voice.”

His sudden openness catches Logan off guard. Ever since that night, since he’d become aware of Julian’s true feelings, their pretense of being bitter and sarcastic with each other had faded away, and Logan at least has tried to be more genuine in showing Julian that he cares for him. But he still isn’t quite used to hearing the same from Julian.

“Okay,” he says. Julian smiles a little, burrowing his face into the pillows and closing his eyes as Logan begins to sing.

_Everyone is here except for me  
And I can feel the world is watching  
Who is on their own I wonder  
And who has cast this spell I'm under  
I want you with me  
I want you with me_

Julian hums softly, and Logan smiles.

_Look into your heart, are you happy?  
You could be the one to set me free  
And with your hand in mine we will walk  
To a place that knows no one  
I want you with me  
I want you with me  
I want you with me_

_I won’t forget the things you said  
They’re dancing and singing inside my head_

He stops, checking to see if Julian is still awake. He doesn’t stir. Logan hums quietly to himself, pulling his comforter up over his shoulders and settling in to sleep.

He dreams of Julian that night, and when he wakes up, his phone is still on the nightstand, the screen showing the California sun creeping over the sleeping boy’s face.

—

A part of Logan worries that Julian won’t make it back to school in the fall. But when he and Derek arrive back at Stuart House, the third member of their trio is there, a weary smile on his face as he directs the group moving his things into a new room on the first floor.

“Great to see you, man,” Derek says as he pulls Julian into a hug. Julian grins, his sunglasses askew as he buries his face in Derek’s shoulder.

Logan hangs back, smiling gently, but Julian surprises him by taking a few shaky steps over to him and spreading his arms wide. Logan chuckles, drawing Julian into a tight hug that lasts just a little longer than it should. Julian doesn’t pull away, though, and when Logan finally does release him he’s smiling wider than he has in months.

Things aren’t back to normal yet. They still have their appointments, Julian three times a week with his physical therapist and Logan every Tuesday with a new psychologist his trauma specialist had recommended. Ever since he’d been formally diagnosed with PTSD back in June, his care team has expanded to the point where he’s getting pretty sick of having to explain what’s going on in his head to a new person every few weeks. But this one is different. She starts out asking not about his nightmares or how many panic attacks he’s had that week, but about his classes and how he feels about getting to see his friends again. He doesn’t even have to explain to her what happened on Hell Night until their third session. It’s nice, almost, to feel like she cares about his wellbeing beyond just that one incident. It’s a good change of pace after how much it had dominated his summer.

Of course, even as schoolwork and Warblers and his friends start to come back into his life, the memories of that night are still in the back of his mind.

The three of them had talked about it just once, right after they moved back in. Derek reminded them both that if they ever needed anything, no matter how small, they could ask him. He and Logan reminded Julian that both of their doors were unlocked at night, and if any one of them needed to, they could come in at any time.

Logan isn’t sure Julian had actually listened, and he’s even less sure that Julian will be willing to ask for help if he needs it. But to his surprise, about a month into the school year, he wakes up to the sound of his door creaking open slowly.

“Don’t wake up,” Julian whispers, his voice rough and shaky. Logan sits up immediately, drawing a sharp breath as he squints at Julian in the dim light.

“What’s wrong?”

Julian sighs, closing the door behind him. “Sorry,” he mumbles. Logan can just barely make out his silhouette, his arms wrapping self-consciously around his waist. “I—I just…”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Logan rubs the sleep from his eyes, forcing himself to wake up. “My door’s open, anything you need, you know that.”

Julian nods, but he doesn’t move.

“C’mere,” Logan mumbles, jerking his head towards the bed. Julian hesitates, but he slowly shuffles over and climbs in next to Logan. Logan moves against the wall instinctually, making space for Julian to curl up under the blanket, his head in the crook of Logan’s shoulder. He wipes his eyes hastily, sniffling a little as he settles in.

“Sorry,” he says again, and Logan shushes him.

“Don’t be.” He wraps his arm around Julian’s shoulders, pulling him in close. Julian relaxes against him. He tucks his head into Logan’s chest, soft curls brushing against his chin. His hand bunches in the loose fabric of Logan’s T-shirt.

“I’ve got you,” Logan whispers, and Julian body shakes with a muffled sob. “Shh. It’s okay, you’re okay. You’re safe.”

“I saw you die,” Julian murmurs, barely audible with his face pressed against Logan.

“I’m right here.” He squeezes Julian’s shoulder, and Julian curls further into Logan’s arms, small and frightened. “I’m okay, see? I’m here. It’s just a dream.” He swallows hard, holding Julian close.

“I’m sorry,” Julian says again, his voice breaking. “I’m so sorry.”

“Stop.” Logan pulls his head back, looking down at Julian even as he refuses to meet his eyes. “Don’t do that. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

Julian sniffs, and Logan _hates_ that he’s been reduced to this. He knows Julian hasn’t always been as strong as he’s pretended to be, had known that even before all this happened, but he’s always been able to get back up and keep going. He’s never needed to depend on _Logan_ for support.

“Don’t leave,” Julian mumbles quietly. His shoulders shake, his hand fisting tightly in Logan’s shirt. “Please, I—I can’t lose you.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Logan murmurs, burying his face in Julian’s messy curls.

He holds Julian until he stops shaking, his breaths evening out as he pulls himself together. In the silence, Logan finds himself lost in thought. He knows that Julian needs him right now. He knows he should be the one comforting Julian, instead of the other way around. He knows he needs to be strong, to be there for his friend for once in his life instead of making it all about him.

But he can’t quite help the thoughts that come into his head.

“Why do you care?” he says quietly, before he can stop himself. Julian makes a small noise of confusion, and Logan sighs. “Why—I mean. Am I really that important to you?”

Julian shifts, pulling back to lean against Logan’s shoulder but still not looking at him. “You already know the answer to that,” he mumbles, rubbing his eye.

It’s the first time he’s alluded to his confession since it happened, and Logan doesn’t quite know what to do about it.

“I guess I just don’t understand _why_.” He pauses, running his fingers through Julian’s hair. “I’ve been a pretty shitty friend,” he admits, and Julian exhales in what almost sounds like a laugh.

“You have,” he deadpans. But he snuggles in closer, and Logan suddenly realizes how much he doesn’t want him to let go.

“I should be the one apologizing to you,” Logan murmurs, but Julian shakes his head.

“You being a shitty friend didn’t nearly get me killed.”

Logan has no idea what to say to that. He knows Julian blames himself, despite everyone around them insisting constantly that nothing Adam did was his fault. But before he can try to argue with him, Julian keeps talking.

“And you aren’t always a shitty friend.” Logan glances down at him, his brow furrowed. Julian doesn’t look up. “You’ve got a weird way of showing it…but I know you care. It’s why I never told you about Adam. I knew you wouldn’t take it lying down if you knew someone wanted to hurt me.” Julian takes a deep, shaky breath. “You ran into a burning building to try to save me. Even after I tried to leave. After the way I talked to you.”

“I never wanted you to leave,” Logan says abruptly. He adjusts his grip on Julian’s shoulders, holding him close. “You—I heard you. When I was drugged. You said goodbye, and I—” He pauses, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat. “I didn’t want to lose you. I couldn’t. I _can’t_.”

“Me neither,” Julian whispers, and that’s when the tears start to fall.

Logan stays quiet, not wanting Julian to hear him crying when he’d come in here for comfort himself. But Julian tucks himself back into Logan’s chest, his arms snaking around his waist, and Logan knows he can feel the way his body wracks with silent sobs.

He almost doesn’t hear it when Julian begins to sing under his breath.

_My eyes open to the sound of a song I've heard  
Don't know the name, but I know all the words  
Sun came up, crawled into the front seat  
Memories leaving me, was it all a dream I had?  
Time for us to wake up_

He doesn’t deserve this. After the way he’s treated Julian, the way he took him for granted time and time again, he doesn’t deserve to have him here right now, holding him tight and singing him to sleep after he’d been the one having nightmares. But here he is anyway, the sound of his voice and the warmth of his body against Logan’s slowly helping the ache in his chest subside.

_I'll save my words to make the most of it  
I never meant to be gone so long  
Do you still remember my touch at all?  
I never meant to be gone so long_

He pulls Julian in closer, burying his face in his hair. His curls are damp from Logan’s tears, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

“I’m sorry,” Logan says quietly. “I’ve been—I’m sorry.”

It’s quiet for a long moment, before Julian whispers, barely audible, “You’re here now, though.”

Logan nods, gently pressing his lips to the top of Julian’s head.

“So are you,” he murmurs.

Logan doesn’t deserve Julian. But it seems he has him anyway, and he won’t be stupid enough to risk losing him again.

—

It doesn’t hit him like he expects. There’s no moment, no sudden epiphany where he looks at Julian and realizes that his feelings have grown beyond mere friendship. He doesn’t wake up from a dream and decide he’s in love, or come to realize his feelings after a particularly on-the-nose musical performance. He just _knows_ , somehow, like somewhere along the line everything clicked into place.

There’s no fanfare. It’s not heart palpitations and wistful glances, not euphoria or earth-shattering amazement. It’s just…there, a gentle warmth that overcomes him every time they’re in the same room. It’s _easy_ , in a way that catches him entirely off guard. He doesn’t feel like he’s chasing after something he’s afraid he’s going to lose. Julian is already there, has always _been_ there, even if Logan didn’t fully realize it until it was almost too late.

He doesn’t say anything just yet. He’s not even sure what he would say if he did. But when they’re walking back to Stuart after class one day and Derek says something that has Julian howling with laughter, his face splitting into a grin wider than either of them have seen on him in months, Logan knows he isn’t hiding the look of sheer adoration on his face. Julian meets his eyes, and his smile falters just briefly, just enough for Logan to know that he saw. He sees right through him, just like he always has.

Logan still doesn’t say anything. But once Julian has composed himself, they continue on their walk, and when Derek has outpaced them by a few steps he sidles over and gingerly takes Julian’s hand.

Something changes between them. It’s not dramatic, not even noticeable to anyone other than perhaps Derek. But it’s there, and Logan’s sure that they both know it.

It’s late November, almost time for them to leave for winter break. The week has been unseasonably warm, enough so that the rain pouring down over campus hasn’t managed to freeze by the time it hits the ground. Logan knows without looking that he’ll find Julian outside. It’s still cold, especially with the rain, but Logan doesn’t care about that right now.

Julian has found a spot at the rear of Stuart House, stretched out in the grass in a thin white T-shirt and sweatpants, his feet bare. Logan flinches at the rain falling over his face, but he continues his trek, pausing a few feet back to watch Julian. He looks like a mess, his shirt soaked through with wet grass stains forming at his sides, his damp hair strewn haphazardly over his spattered sunglasses, but from where Logan’s standing he looks absolutely beautiful.

He seems to have noticed Logan’s approach, though he doesn’t stir. His lips quirk up in a light smile when Logan folds his legs under him, wincing as he sits down in the wet grass.

“I thought you hated the rain,” Julian says, raising his voice a little over the sound of the storm.

“I’m cold,” Logan complains, and Julian’s smile widens. He tilts his head to the side lazily, staring up at Logan through his glasses. Logan grins. “You enjoying yourself?”

Instead of answering, Julian pushes himself up to a sitting position, shaking some of the wetness out of his hair. Logan chuckles, amused. His eyes are fixed on Julian’s as he removes the sunglasses, looking hesitantly over at Logan.

Blinking against the rain falling in his face, Logan reaches over to take Julian’s hand. His heart leaps in his chest at the soft smile he gets in response. Julian looks down at their intertwined fingers, the corners of his eyes crinkling, and Logan’s pretty sure he’s never wanted anything more than this moment.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispers, and Julian’s eyes flicker up to his own, his smile fading a little before he nods.

Logan hesitates just briefly before leaning in, Julian’s gentle sigh ghosting over his mouth as he presses their lips together.

There are no fireworks. Just a feeling of warmth that spreads all the way through Logan’s body, from where their mouths meet to the tips of his toes in his rain-soaked shoes. He can’t feel the cold outside anymore. All he knows is the feeling of Julian’s lips on his, of the slight hitch in his breath as he kisses Logan back tentatively, the light squeeze of his hand when Logan leans in further.

It lasts only a moment before they break apart, the rain still pouring over their faces. Julian’s eyelashes flutter as he glances up, and when their eyes meet, his face splits into a grin. Logan smiles back, his heart swelling at Julian’s elated laugh. He looks happier than Logan has ever seen him. Logan doesn’t think he could ever get tired of the sight.

Reaching out to cup Julian’s chin, Logan kisses him again, less hesitant and more fervid. Julian responds eagerly, smiling against his lips. He reaches for Logan with his free hand, and when Logan tries to adjust position he slips on the grass and falls onto his side, dragging Julian down with him. Julian giggles with delight, and Logan laughs along, his hands finding Julian’s waist and pulling him in for another kiss. They’re both soaking wet by now, the chilly afternoon air sending shivers down Logan’s spine, but he can’t find it in him to care.

They kiss lazily for a long while, their legs entwining in the grass until it’s hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. But eventually, when the rain starts to escalate from a storm to a downpour, they decide they need to go back inside. Logan gets to his feet, offering his hand to help Julian up, and they hurry back around to the front door of Stuart.

Julian follows Logan up to his room without question, holding on to him as they reach the top of the stairs. He’s still giggling as they hurry into the bedroom, dripping water all over the floor behind them. Logan kicks off his shoes the second he’s inside the door, and by the time he retrieves two towels from the bathroom Julian has already stripped down to his boxers, his clothes in a sopping wet heap on Logan’s floor. Logan just smiles, shaking his head.

They dry themselves off, changing into fresh T-shirts and shorts, and they climb under Logan’s blankets still shivering from the cold. Logan can’t stop smiling. His hands find Julian’s waist, pulling him in close, and when their noses brush together his heart skips a beat.

“I love you,” he whispers, and Julian’s smile fades in disbelief. Logan presses his lips gently to Julian’s. “You don’t have to say it back. But I need you to know.” He kisses him again, soft but deliberate. “I love you, and I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it, but I know that now. You’re my best friend, Jules, and…I love you.”

Julian blinks, and Logan worries for a moment that he’s gone too far. But then Julian’s kissing him, soft and sweet and absolutely _perfect_ , and he finally feels like he’s found what he's looking for.

They stay there under the blankets for hours, warming each other up with kisses and touches and soft words, and Logan can’t imagine wanting to be anywhere else.


End file.
